I won’t get into the reasons here, but the plain and simple truth is that as of last Sunday, I am officially divorced. Since I married religiously according to the Jewish Faith, I also had to divorce the same way.

Just to clear up some confusion – I have not seen my ex-wife for 9 months. It just took forever to do the procedure, due to many factors (some of which are related to travel, some because my ex is in Israel and I’m in the USA now, and some just related to bureaucracy and logistics).

The procedure was quite elaborate! There were 3 rabbis who acted as “Judges”, one of them doubling as the Scribe (The “Sofer” in Hebrew, who is normally a separate person) and also as my first Witness, and yet another Rabbi, this one was to be my second witness (According to the Jewish Faith, you are supposed to have two witnesses when you sign your Marriage Certificate, and also two witnesses when you sign your Divorce Certificate).

There were 3 potential complications in my divorce:

1. The fact that I am in the USA, and my Marriage records + ex-wife were both in Israel. This meant the Rabbis needed to communicate with the Israeli branch, and this took a considerable amount of time. However, fortunately, it eventually happened and I received a call summoning me to sign my Divorce Papers.
2. If there’s shared property or children, or some disagreement between the sides, the judges would have to intervene and judge according to Halacha (Jewish Law). Fortunately, our decision to divorce was mutual, there were no children, and no shared properties that were under any kind of disagreement.
3. The procedure itself, which is quite elaborate. The Rabbis must make sure you will not retract your request to divorce, and that you were not forced into the divorce, or paid money to divorce, and that no threat of violence is placed on me, etc. Fortunately none of that is true, and the divorce was allowed to happen.

I followed the ceremony, which I have to note, was wise and obviously carefully worded, in what I assume is the result of a few millennia of learning from bad experiences…!

Another interesting point, is how your parents are identified. I had to call my parents during the ceremony, so that the Rabbis can verify with them what they are called, by their community and/or circle of friends. It turned out this was not without merit, as my dad goes by 3 or 4 different names!

Is it because supposedly that person in the wheelchair is helpless, and an easy prey? Is it this kind of inner ferocious instinct usually found in carnivorous mammals?

Or is it because he thinks she is desperate for Sex and will do anything? Or maybe he is imagining her stiff legs and the thought of her dead limbs is arousing in a very perverse way?

This reminded me of the story of Safran and his dead arm, from the book “Everything is Illuminated” by Jonathan Safran Foer. In that story, Safran, supposedly the author’s grandfather, has a dead arm from birth. This somehow gets him into the arms (and underwear) of most of his village’s women… to the point where it has become a sort of a “secret weapon” for him, which he used to “fish” for his gipsy, non-jewish girlfriend. I seriously recommend that book by the way, it’s awesome in so many ways. And definitely read the book BEFORE you see the movie.

There have been lots of debates on penis size. Some say size matters, some say it’s how you use it, etc. The “size” however is not always very well defined. Are they talking about Length, or Girth? Lots of articles (mostly written by Women) talk about how the length doesn’t matter, and it’s really all about the girth, and yet some other women will tell you the length AND the girth matter.

I say, the only right way to measure your Penis is not by length or girth – It is about absolute atomic mass!

That’s right boys and girls. And how do you measure this? Fear not, for I’ve devised a sure method for you Math challenged people, that will also make you look like a “Real Man” while measuring your mass (because Beer is involved). You will need a large empty pot, a glass of beer filled to the top, and a cooking scale to weigh the fluid.

The Beer Displacement Method (Thank you Leah for the name!):

• Step 1: Zero the scale by placing the empty pot on the scale, and turning the scale on. The display should show “0 grams”.
• Step 1: Take a pint of Guinness beer, and place it inside the pot.
• Step 2: Look at a photo of Scarlett Johansson to obtain an errection.
• Step 3: Stick your member into the glass, the beer will spill from the glass and into the pot.
• Step 4: Remove the glass from the pot, and weigh the liquid content.
• Step 5: You are done! This is the mass of your penis!

So from now on, when you brag to your friends about how large you are, remember: what really matters is your mass!

And another thing: If you are crazy enough to actually try this I will be happy to get comments below about your measurements!